Bang Bang
by Dutchie15
Summary: Will I lose you, too' Calleigh can't deal with the pain on her own this time. CaRWash. Post Bang Bang, Your Debt


**Title:** Bang Bang  
**Disclaimer:** They're not mine and I didn't have any part in the episode, either. I just own a sick fascination for these two. Song is by Nancy Sinatra.  
**Summary:** 'Will I lose you, too?' Calleigh can't deal with the pain on her own this time. Post Bang Bang, Your Debt  
**A/N:** Found on my laptop, wrote it a long while ago. Thought I should share.  


* * *

_Bang bang  
I shot you down, bang bang  
You hit the ground, bang bang  
That awful sound, bang bang  
I used to shoot you down_

* * *

The replacement. After three years, hundreds of cases and numerous days spend in each other's presence; that was still how he felt.

Over the years he did notice that he was being accepted more, that he grew to be a colleague, a partner, a friend. But always the replacement. It made sense to him, in every way, working with him, seeing him; it would always remind them of the man that was there before him. The man everyone had loved, the man everyone had respected. The man called Tim Speedle.

Ryan had never known him. He might have seen him on the streets sometime, or maybe he worked one of the cases he was on as patrol officer, but he'd never officially met the guy. He wished he had, because every time one of his colleagues talked about him, he was at a loss for words. How do you say something about someone you've never met?

When he visited Alexx today, he had secretly expected her to hire him immediately. He'd always seen her as some sort of substitute mother, the entire team saw her as that, and he thought she'd take him under her wing. Instead, he got a cold treatment, and no job. Part of him didn't blame her. Part of him did.

It was in moments like these that the familiar feeling of being the outsider returned. The entire team was like family, but he was the black sheep. The rotten apple. The criminal son. He knew he unconsciously had been a burden to them, yet didn't think he deserved this kind of treatment for it. He didn't think he deserved to be ignored, to be left out of the field now that he was fired. If they truly were family, they would never have abandoned him when he needed them most.

But they did, and he was alone in his apartment. Everything seemed normal, yet he felt like he was just an empty shell, a mere shadow of what he used to be. His job had meant everything to him, his job had gotten him through the days, and now that he lost it, even if he thought his actions leading to that had been right, it tore him up inside. His job at the gun range, he saw it as a temporarily volunteer job. The payment sure suggested that kind of job, it was hardly enough to pay his rent. He had hoped that Alexx taking him in would give him more money to live from, and a chance to earn back the respect of his co-workers. But he wasn't given the chance.

And he had to be honest to himself: that hurt.

He thought that he at least meant something to the members of his former team. Alexx had been rather vicious to him in the beginning, stating she didn't need another friend, but in time she had babied him like she did every other member, and he had been able to laugh with her, but also talk about serious things with her. She might be hurt that he never told her about his gambling, about the problems he had. She might've felt left out of the loop, but she wasn't. He hadn't told anyone, they all had to find out when it was too late.

But he never went to explain himself to her either. He didn't do that with anyone. He denied to Horatio that there was a problem, Eric didn't even have the slightest assumption, Natalia knew about the gun range but nothing beyond that. Only Calleigh asked him about his actions, only Calleigh knew why. And only with her had he felt like he owed her an explanation.

Never had he felt better than when she told him 'good job'. Some of his happiest memories involved her, and some of his worst memories could be discarded by her. She was his only hold during hard times, the only one he talked to about his problems and fears. Just not this time…not when he should have. He talked to her only after the fact, after he'd passed the point of her being able to help. It had just been too late.

His doorbell rang and he was pulled out of his trance. Slightly afraid that it was going to be someone he didn't want to see, perhaps another person demanding money, perhaps another internal affairs officer, he peaked through the curtains. His heart jumped when he saw a glimpse of blond hair and he hurried over to the door to open it.

His breath caught in his throat when he saw the object of his ponderings standing in front of him. But what shocked him more than the fact that she was actually there, was the fact that she looked emotionally exhausted, on the verge of crying, and he instinctively knew that she had been cropping up feelings inside of her again.

"Cal…"

She didn't answer him; she licked her lips and looked at him pleadingly. He opened the door further and took a step back, allowing her to enter his apartment.

"Come i-"

She walked past him, into his living room, cutting him short. He closed the door and watched her look around his home.

"It's been too long." She said softly.  
"Yes, it has." He confirmed.

He sat down on the couch and folded his hands together. She crossed her arms, her eyes gliding over every aspect of his living room, before resting on him.

"How are you doing?"  
"I feel like I should be asking you that question."

A sad smile made her distressing appearance complete. He gestured to the space next to him on the couch. She slowly walked over and sat down next to him, arms touching. He turned his head to look at her; she kept looking straight ahead of her.

"Talk to me, Calleigh." Ryan pleaded.

She opened her mouth but closed it again, shaking her head. "I just can't believe he'd hurt us like that."  
"Who hurt you? Hurt you like what? Calleigh you have to remember that I don't get first hand information anymore."  
"It's alright; I don't want to bother you with it…"

Calleigh stood up but Ryan grabbed her wrist gently and pulled her back down onto the couch.

"I want to listen to you, but you'll have to tell me everything, from the beginning.  
"We found Speedle's creditcard today."  
"Speedle? He's…he's dead, right?"  
"Yes. He is."

Calleigh closed her eyes and Ryan reached over and took her hand in his, laying it in her lap. She opened her eyes and looked at their entwined hands, yet didn't pull free.

"Eric is having transitory hallucinations as a result of his head injury." Calleigh said. "He…he kept mumbling things throughout the entire case…I asked him, I begged him to tell me what was wrong but every time he told me he was fine."

Ryan didn't get the link between this and Speedle's credit card, but he wasn't about to interrupt her now. She was finally talking to him again, opening up, and whatever he was wondering, she'd answer eventually.

"He saw Speedle. A couple of times during the case he saw Speedle. He even talked to him. He says Speed…Speed lead him to the important evidence, Speed cracked the case."  
"Does he realize that Speedle is dead?" Ryan carefully asked.  
"Yes. Just…the hallucinations and the creditcard…It made him doubt himself."  
"Is he alright?"

Calleigh nodded.

"He saw a specialist…and Horatio talked to him. I think he's gonna be okay, it just…made him believe in something that wasn't there and now he has to realize that it wasn't real. And that's hard."

Ryan remained silent for a moment, giving her time to give what she just told him a place. He then calmly urged her to continue on.

"But who hurt you? Eric?"  
"No…Dan."  
"Dan? Dan Cooper?"  
"He wants to be a CSI."

Ryan's face drained of color and his eyes grew to 'deer-in-headlight' size. She looked at him for the first time during their conversation and squeezed his hand.

"Don't worry; he's not coming in as your replacement. We'd never let him. He's not coming in now anyway…"  
"What happened?" Ryan asked, secretly feeling relieved.  
"He went to check out Speedle's locker, because we talk about him a lot. His creditcard was in it…200 dollars…"  
"Oh God. Don't tell me Cooper…"  
"Used it. Only he used 2300 dollars."  
"Shit."

Ryan looked at the floor, unable to believe that one of their colleagues…his ex-colleagues would dare doing something like that. He immediately understood why Calleigh was so upset. Not only had Dan given Eric false hope, he had invaded Speedle's private affects. He made a fist of his free hand, unable to hide his anger completely.

"And then the worst thing is he talked about it like it was not a big deal. 'He's dead, Cal, he's not going to miss it'."

Something inside of Ryan snapped. How dare Cooper talk about Speedle like that? How dare he call her Cal, and talk to her like nothing was wrong?

"The son of a bitch…"

Calleigh shuddered and he wanted to wrap an arm around her shoulder, but wasn't sure if she'd allow it. After all, he wasn't her most favorite person in the world right now. He wasn't sure if she accepted the same things from him as she once had.

"He said how you got a second chance." She continued. "The lab gave Ryan a second chance."  
Ryan sighed. "What did you say?"  
"That you broke protocol, and that he broke the law. It's fraud."

Ryan nodded. He understood quite well, and he was thankful for the fact that he was getting a second chance, if all went well.

"I miss you, Ryan. I miss you more than I can afford myself."  
"What do you mean?"  
"It's just not the same without you. The things at the lab are the same; I just don't have you…to talk to."  
"Just that I don't work at the lab right now doesn't mean you can't come and talk to me anymore."  
"I wanted to be mad at you, I wanted to be disappointed in you, but all I got was loneliness. I didn't realize, but I need you around. I even miss the simplest things like just standing next to you, going over evidence."

Ryan listened silently as she poured her heart out. He had always thought that she told him a lot about her feelings, but she'd never gone as far as this. He held her hand in his and quietly urged her to go on.

"The slightest touch of the hands, just to see your smile from across the hallway. It sounds…"  
"…exactly like I feel. Making a mistake didn't make me stop caring."  
"I don't want to lose you like I lost Tim."  
"I'm not going anywhere. I'm sorry Dan did this to you, that he disgraced Speedle. I don't like seeing you like this."  
"I lost him before I had a chance. If I…"

She hung her head and Ryan was surprised to see her cheeks get wet. He reached his hand up to touch her face but she flinched, turning her head away.

"Hey. Cal, look at me."

She kept her head firmly down, face directed to the floor, where dark spots appeared in his light carpet.

"Fine, then don't look at me, but at least listen to me. You did nothing wrong, never did. I can't tell you why things happen because as much as I would like to, I don't know. Dan was awfully wrong in what he did, and Speedle's death was tragic…and I'm sorry you had to go through this, both things. I wish that I could change it back for you, but it happened…and as stupid as it may sound, you'll have to learn to give it a place."

She looked up at him, the tears shining in her eyes. She wasn't ashamed of them, though.

"Will I lose you, too?"  
"No. I'm coming back to the lab, Cal. I don't know how, and I don't know how soon, but even if I have to be janitor to get inside, I'm getting inside."  
Calleigh chuckled through her tears. "Oh Ryan."

Ryan finally pulled his hand loose from hers and lifted it towards her face. He gently stroked her wet cheek, wiping the tears off. His touch felt easing and reassuring on her face, and she didn't pull away.

"If you want to…" He started, "I could drop by the lab tomorrow…" Pausing, he moved his hand to brush a strain of hair out of her face. "…and maybe we can have lunch together?"

Calleigh blinked, her eyes going to his hand on the side of her face, cupping it. Then she looked him straight in the eye. She sucked in a breath through a crack in her lips to control herself.

"I'd like that."

She stood up, his hand falling down onto the couch.

"I should go. I'll show myself out."  
"Alright, Cal. I will see you tomorrow, then?"  
"Yes. Please."  
"Don't think about it too much, okay? You can't change the past."

Calleigh nodded and walked over to the door, stopping right in front of it. Her hand reached out to the knob, but she didn't turn it yet.

"You know, I could just picture you mopping the floors."  
Ryan laughed and stood up. "Let's just hope I get to break vials on that floor again, instead of cleaning them."  
"Thanks for this, Ryan."  
"You're always welcome. You know that."  
"I do."

She turned towards him, a grateful smile lighting up her face. "Pick me up at one?"

"As you wish, Miss Duquesne." Ryan winked and Calleigh turned back, stepping out of his apartment. She walked away, the wind blowing through her hair. She was still smiling. Ryan had, as always, managed to cheer her up, as well as let her believe that something good was coming up in her life. She hadn't misunderstood the way he had touched her face, and she knew what she had prevented by standing up when she did. She also knew, that when the time was right, she would allow it. Because she needed some happiness in her life, as did he. And they could give each other just that.

Ryan sat back down on the couch inside his living room. He smiled, too, and suddenly he didn't feel like the replacement that much anymore.

* * *

_**A/N: **Yeah it's very weird but somehow that scene wasn't in the episode. I wonder how that's possible..._


End file.
